Attachment Issues? Read This!!
Attachment Styles
Have you ever wondered why, even with different partners you end up in similar situations? Maybe you get clingy and jealous or maybe you run away when things if they get too emotionally intimate. A big part of how we interact with our partners in emotionally intimate relationships as adults stems from our bonds with our own parents when we were children. These are called attachment styles and learning about them can help us recognize our strengths and weaknesses in order to improve our adult relationships.
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How do we categorize our behaviors into a style and what is influenced by them?
Our attachment style determines how we deal with emotional intimacy, how we communicate our emotions and needs and how we listen to those of our partners, how we respond to conflict, and the expectations we have about our partner and the relationship. The three underlying dimensions to these styles are closeness, dependence (either on someone else, or someone else on them), and anxiety (about being abandoned).
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1. SECURE (Autonomous)
The first attachment style is characterized by low avoidance and low anxiety. Securely attached partners are more likely than insecure partners to seek support from their partners when they’re distressed and more likely to provide support as well. They are not worried about rejection and are comfortable getting close to and depending on other people. They use their partner as a secure base from which to discover the world, and tend to have greater trust, commitment, longevity, and interdependence than insecurely attached partners.
2. AVOIDANT (Dismissive)
This attachment style is high on avoidance and low on anxiety. These partners are more likely to emotionally distance themselves from their partner and tend to easily detach from people close to them. They view themselves as strong, independent, and self-sufficient emotionally, and don’t feel like they need a relationship to be complete. They do not want to depend on others and don’t want others to depend on them. Communication tends to be very intellectual, as they are very uncomfortable talking about emotions. Intimacy to them is equated with a loss of independence.
3. ANXIOUS (Preoccupied)
Partners who are anxiously attached are low on avoidance and high on anxiety. These people crave closeness and intimacy but are extremely insecure about the relationship. They worry that their partners don’t love them and will abandon them, and that others are more reluctant to get as close as they would like to. These partners have poor personal boundaries and take their partner’s behavior very personally. They look for partners to rescue and complete them, and often come off clingy, demanding, and possessive.
4. AVOIDANT (Fearful)
The final attachment style is another avoidant style but is more unorganized than the dismissive avoidant style. These partners are high on avoidance and high on anxiety. They are afraid of being both too close and too distant from their partners, and attempt to hide their feelings, but are unable to. This leads them to be overwhelmed by their emotions causing outbursts and unpredictability. They are desperate to get their needs met by others but are terrified of being hurt if they get too close.
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1. Intimacy Building Exercises
Especially for partners with avoidant attachment styles, intimacy building has been shown to increase closeness and quality of the relationship. These activities include each partner answering questions about themselves, similar to the New York Times’s 36 questions proven to increase closeness. Participating in partner yoga has also been shown to improve this style, with partners connecting with intimate and interconnected poses. Both of these activities help with building a healthier foundation of trust and connection and can help avoidant partners become more comfortable with intimacy.
2. Mindfulness
Mindfulness has been known to reduce anxiety and give us a better sense of control over ourselves and our emotions. This can help anxiously attached partners regulate feelings of jealousy and can give them a better sense of themselves, their emotions, and their needs. This leads to better communication, emotional regulation, and healthier boundaries. Guided meditations can be found all over the internet and on many different apps!
3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
CBT challenges our schemas, or our habitual thought patterns that are sometimes harmful to ourselves and our relationships. CBT can help us face why we tend to react the way we do, either by running away, attaching anxiously, or both, and learn tools to counteract those harmful defense mechanisms. Therapy is also a space where we can delve into childhood relationships, and how those affect the ways in which we attach ourselves to others now. By creating a stable and secure relationship with a trusted therapist, we can take those same skills to outside relationships with our partners.
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Being more knowledgeable about our own attachment styles can help us work towards a secure attachment style. In doing so, we are able to challenge and work through our own insecurities and defense mechanisms to form healthier relationships.
References
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/
https://www.evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com/styles-adult-attachment/
http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship
https://www.psychalive.org/how-to-improve-relationships-by-knowing-your-attachment-style/
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
https://goop.com/wellness/relationships/fix-your-attachment-style-fix-your-relationships/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/how-change-your-attachment-style