Common Relationships Dynamics and How To Avoid Them!
Relationship Dynamics
Have you ever wanted more from your partner? Have you ever felt like the more you want from them, the less they give? Or have you ever just needed space from your significant other? Have you ever felt like you are the one doing all the work in the relationship? Have you ever been annoyed by a needy or nagging partner or felt needy or naggy yourself? You may be in an unhealthy cycle!
All relationships are unique and full of different forms of communication and expectations, however not all relationships are as healthy as they could be. There are two specific couple cycles that are really common and frustrating we want to avoid! These include the Distance and Pursuer Dynamic and the Over- and Under-Functioning Dynamic. Both dynamics cause serious strain and emotional distress for each member of the relationship and it’s important to be aware and actively avoid/fix these dynamics.
So what exactly is a DYNAMIC?
Well, a dynamic in the sense of a relationship basically refers to the the set ways that each member reacts to the other—it is a predictable pattern of communication and a cycle. The actions of one leads to more of the action of the other and so on and so forth.
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One major unconscious dynamic is the Distance and Purser Dynamic. In this dynamic, either you or your partner desires a deep level of closeness and intimacy while the needs their own solo time and feels smothered. The pursuer will lean into the relationship in times of conflict. If you are a pursuer, you want to fix the problem, communicate, and grow close to solve things. If you are not met warmly, you may feel rejected or as if your partner is emotionally unavailable. If you, the pursuer, attempt to get closer your distancing partner, they will put more and more distance between you two. This distance can come in many forms such as: ignoring you, focusing on their phone, drinking or numbing out, workaholism, and increased self isolation and withdrawl. The distancer has a difficult time being vulnerable and may need space in times of conflict. If you are the distancer, you will back away from the relationship in times of conflict. You want to avoid the conflict. If your space is not respected, you may feel smothered and pull away more. The more you pull away, the more your partner will reach out.
The pursuer believes that the other is cold and doesn’t show enough compassion or understanding whereas the distancer sees the other as too needy and nagging. If this cycle continues for too long each partner will feel criticized by the other and begin to feel contempt.
What can you do to change this?
The pursuer is usually the best one to begin the change. The pursuer feel more distressed about the distance and want to actively fix it. However, they need to reduce pressure. It is important to stop pursuing as often or as aggressively. The more a person pursues, the more rejected they may feel. Take a step back and allow the other person to step forward! Some pursuers end up leaving the relationship...When that happens, the distancer may begin an abrupt aggressive pursuit to try and get them back.
The distancer must realize the power they hold in the relationship. Their choices to react in ways that breed insecurity and rejection which ultimately harm everyone involved, must be changed. They have to be aware of their power and actively choose to foster behaviors that are not avoidant. If they are afraid of being controlled, distance is not going to solve the problem, communication will. If they can communicate their concerns and understand your partner’s intentions, they can reduce their fear and withdrawal.
Remember...It’s the two of you against the problem, not each other, you’re a team so act like it!
It’s okay and GOOD to fluctuate between roles and struggle to solve conflicts. It’s okay to make mistakes or not to realize how your actions are affecting the other. What truly would be the defining moment would be how you choose to solve the problem once it is made apparent. Finding the right ways to approach and communicate about a problem to avoid spiraling into a negative dynamic will help save your relationship. -
Another common relationship dynamic explored levels of functioning in a relationship and being aware of them will help your relationships. Functioning refers to one’s ability to manage their life, time, stress, and responsibilities. It’s important that you are able to function as an independent being in your day to day life. Optimal functioning would be when you’re in control of your life and decisions that you make and have complete responsibility.
Under-Functioning (UF) people are not as in control as those with optimal functioning. If you are considered UF you most likely rely heavily on others to help manage your life, make decisions and have a hard time reaching goals. You reach out to others in times of stress and fear making poor decisions involving your career and relationships.
Over-Functioning (OF) people often take too much responsibility. They may be very detail-oriented, organized, reliable. OF are often great at planning, but may also be too focused on other peoples’ problems. They tend to offer a lot of advice to try and solve the problems of others. OFs often become angry if they don’t get enough appreciation. OF people are often paired with a UF person they take care of and manage the responsibilities of both people.
The more the OF person does and the less the UF person does causes major strain on relationships. The UF person may feel constantly criticized or nagged by the OF. The OF may feel unappreciated or overstressed by the unequal proportion of responsibility in the relationship with the UF.
What can you do to change this?
The UF must step up, and the OF must step back. Change begins when the OF steps back! The OF must step back first and calm their own anxiety of giving back the responsibilities to the UF . The UF may begin to experience the consequences for their actions or lack of decision making and this is OKAY. Anxiety and consequences will elicit change and you are in this together. Making sound boundaries are a necessity and if you both truly love and respect one another you will not cross them
In a healthy relationship, when one person steps back, the other will step up. Sometimes the roles of who is an UF and OF may switch, and that is normal. The problem is when we get stuck in one way of this pattern. It’s okay to drift from being UF to OF, as long as it reflects what’s currently going on in your life. The ideal way of functioning is optimal and should be what you strive for. When problems become cycles it can be hard to break out of them, so do what you can to build awareness and strong communication early on to prevent negative cycles. -
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201509/the-dynamic-thats-poison-any-couple
https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-avoid-the-pursuer-distancer-pattern-in-your-relationship/
https://www.willmeekphd.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning/
https://www.nyccouplestherapists.com/blog/what-is-a-relationship-dynamic/#:~:text=York%2C%20NY%2010017-,What%20Is%20A%20Relationship%20Dynamic%3F,a%20cycle%20in%20my%20work.&text=To%20change%20a%20negative%20dynamic,the%20goal%20of%20couple's%20therapy.