Quarantine Dating
Navigating Dating Apps (+ tips and tricks
~ It’s a long one so buckle up ~
Dating is one of the hardest processes to go through in life, finding someone can be like finding a needle in a haystack. Then here comes a thousand more pounds of hay in the form of quarantine. Quarantine restricted us to our homes whether that home was with your significant other or not, and for many the #QuarantineBae was desperately needed. How does a single person find someone to date during quarantine let alone actually go on dates with them?
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This hashtag with over sixty thousand related posts on Instagram became popular once people began to see that quarantine would last for longer than anyone expected. The question was, what would quarantine be without someone to “enjoy” it with? Many were getting a little anxious about the sheltered future. Boredom, loneliness, anxiety and sexual frustration led to people doing things they would have never done before like posting ads on craigslist, downloading dating apps and going on virtual dates. This was all a result of quarantine on the singles of the United States. Some cries for companionship seemed so desperate that it turned Craigslist into a very personal space filled with sentiment and lots of panic about being alone.
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It’s human nature to want some form of contact with other living, breathing, talking things. Yes dogs, cats and other furry friends work to cure loneliness but there is something about another human that can’t be imitated. This quarantine period has been linked to increases in depression, acute stress disorder and many other negatives that researchers feel can roll into years to come. A study focused on environmental psychology showed that confined and unchanging environments lead to “hypostimulation and secondary neurocognitive problems such as increased risk of depression” (RACGP). When people are in specific places for long periods of time this only leads to higher rates of loneliness which means higher rates of a declining mental health. As many of us know, mental health plays a very large role in human life and can make or break the quality of life that people experience. It can become a vicious cycle of loneliness continuously leading into declining mental health that could last much longer than the quarantine period. Relationships are one of the things that can be the difference between depression and exhilaration.
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Dating can be a fun experience, a way for people to socialize with others, build social circles, etc… It's a large part of the American culture that has shifted from only being able to find someone in person to being able to swipe left or right. Online dating has been popular for a while but when quarantine came about multiple online dating sites saw major increases in overall engagement with the apps and singles talked to each other for longer periods of time. This makes many believe that some singles simply want company and not just in the sense of sexual activities. Dr. Helen Fisher is a chief science advisor for Match.com and stated, "This pandemic has led to more conversations, on all of the dating sites actually, more meaningful conversations, more self-disclosure, more intimacy (and) less anxiety about sex and money," (today). Virtual dates are the new wave and more apps are expanding their interface to include video chatting. Of course this doesn’t take the place of in person dating but it gives a feel of real life, of having to make conversation on the spot instead of being able to think up witty and interesting remarks while messaging. It’s an interesting new endeavor that adds to the appeal of online dating apps.
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Online dating can be quite challenging even when there are millions of people using particular apps. It's important to know what you really want from the online dating scene. Is it just fun for you with no expectations that something serious will come from it? Is it the place you want to possibly find “the one”? Regardless of your answer,knowing which side you lean more towards as this will definitely guide your search to like-minded people. Knowing what you want sets the tone for the relationships to come. Here are a few online dating tips to keep in mind to make the best of your quarantine finds:
1. Know what you want
This is the most important step because it creates the foundation for the people you will want to align yourself with. If you are looking for a serious relationship but the other person only wants a quarantine fling then there is a higher chance that the relationship won’t work out. Have a clear understanding of what you are looking for as well as what the other person is looking for. Unless you are a ball of confidence with every person you meet then asking questions about relationships could be awkward. The first thing to do is to set clear intentions for yourself, lay it all out. Get a journal (or a piece of paper) and write down the type of relationship you wish to have. What do you want in a person, do they have to want a serious relationship, do they have to be interested in an on and off relationship. Journal what you need from someone so that you can look at profiles and be able to evaluate if they would be good for you.Sometimes you may feel that you know what the other person wants just from their profile but it's important to reinforce what you think. It's time to ask your online find what they really want from the relationship, here are a few ways you can go about asking that tricky question:
So, what brought you to [dating app name]?
o This is a more casual way of asking as it's completely normal to wonder why someone is on a dating app. They may even ask you this question before you get the chance to, which would allow you to lay out what you want in a relationship. Asking this will definitely allow you to see if your match has similar wants as you.
Before you fall in love with me, let's talk about what we’re looking for in a relationship.
o This has a little sarcasm, a medium bit of funny and a lot of seriousness. This type of question may allow your match to feel a little more comfortable in answering because it’s in the form of a joke. It’s definitely one that could take away the awkwardness of the situation and allow for a smoother transition into conversation about what each of you want.
I’m looking for [XYZ], is that what you’re looking for?
o Straightforward, to the point and automatically puts what you want out in the open. There is no real way to confuse this question but it is an approach that could take your match by surprise.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want — so, tell me what you want, what you really, really want... from this app? (Elite Daily)
o A spice girls reference that works in many situations including this one - if you choose to go this route. Take away the awkwardness of it all and show a bit of your music taste. This can also test your match on their knowledge of hit music.
2. Create a profile that aligns with what you want
The profile will be a good tell of what you’re looking for on a dating app. Short profiles with witty sayings may lead more people to think you are looking for something more fun and possibly short term. A longer profile may feel that a little more thought was put into it and calls for a serious relationship crowd. Overall, try and find a way to show your personality while also being quite direct about your wants. Here’s a list of what to do and not do in your profile:
What To Do:
DO: Write a Catchy Headline - a headline is the first thing a potential match will see besides your first photo and name, the little bits of info can definitely make or break a match interest in you. So, it's important to write something that could leave a lasting impression.
Use a quote from a book, TV show, movie, etc... This quote will definitely show off your personality and can be funny, witty or inspirational - whatever you feel is a good representation of who you are.
Keep things mysterious so a match could interpret it for themselves and want to know more. An example of this would be “Well traveled [x] looking for a partner in crime”. A match could begin to wonder where you have been and this could be a good lane into conversation. This is also a way to give a preview of what you may be looking for relationship wise.
DO: Ask close friends/family what you should write on your profile
Friends and family will likely tell you the most interesting parts of you, this is what you want a potential match to see. Of course it is not the only part of you but it will reel in as many matches as possible. There may even be some similarities between you and the potential match.
What Not To Do:
DON’T: Sell yourself short in your headline
“Ordinary girl” or “just a normal guy” is selling yourself short and no one is just ordinary. There are many qualities about you that would be great to put in a profile so say that and steer away from describing yourself in the most basic way.
DON’T: Write a biography
Yes, you want a potential match to get to know you but not your whole life story. That's for later in the relationship and is not something that you pile on from the very beginning. A potential match needs to actually be interested in what you have to say and writing a biography-esque profile will not call anyone’s name. Keep it short but also go into detail about specific, interesting facts.
Don’t Say: My name is [x], I’m from California and I am a student.
Do Say: My name is [x], I’m from California so I have always loved the beach. I’m going to college in California now for my masters degree in Sociology and hope to be a Professor one day…
3. Use pictures that show who you are
Pictures are the first things that online daters see so using pictures that show off some of the things that play a role in your life is important. Try to use pictures that show off your personality whether that be pictures of you snuggling a giant stuffed panda, eating ramen or dressed up at a glamorous party. These pictures will be used by a potential match to get a gauge of what you may be like. The one thing you want to make sure of is that your first picture is not a group pic this will definitely confuse a potential match because they won’t know which is you. Also give a clear view of your face and try your best to smile, smiling is thought to be more appealing and makes you seem a little more approachable.
4. Send messages freely
Send a message if you want to send a message. Message anyone that you feel slightly interested in and see what you get back, in online dating it's okay for either person to make the first move. Until you start messaging people there's no way your online dating experience will be as fruitful. This step can be quite hard, especially if you have never made the first move so here are some tips to manage any anxiety over sending the first message:
1. Realize that it's normal to be nervous, you are not alone in this nervousness and it's important to remember that there are millions of other online daters like you contemplating the first message.
2. Take some time, the beauty of dating apps is that you don’t have to message or respond right away. So, if you’re feeling a little too much anxiety then step away for a bit and do something that helps to ease your anxiety. Then, come back feeling a little more refreshed before sending that first message.
3. Remind yourself of the situation at hand, you are on a dating app to meet new people and possibly find your match. The first message is simply an invitation to continue conversation; it doesn’t mean you have to go any further in a relationship.
4. Open a note on your phone and write a few first messages there, when you need them you’ll have plenty to choose from. Having a pre-made list can curb some anxiety because you don’t have to come up with something on the spot.
5. Write an interesting first message
Now that we have explored some ways to manage any anxiety over sending the first message let's talk about what to say. Make yourself stand out in the message box by not just sending “Hi”, you’ve seen their profile and read what they had to say. Open with something that will lead the message into conversation, ask a question or comment on something you have in common. Just make it engaging! Here are a few examples:
Be Funny
Open with a line that you find funny, this can also be a great gauge of their sense of humor. Some lines that others have experienced go as so:
I know that everyone talks about this on dating apps, but if loving “The Office" is wrong, then I don’t want to be Dwight.
Does swiping through this dating app count as "exercise"?
Two wrongs don't make right, but two rights make a perfect match.
I'm trying to think of a Postmates pickup line, but I need some help with the delivery.
Common Interests
Always a good way to go because it shows that you paid attention to their profile and that there are some similarities to start off
I see we both like to ski, so are you a “shred the moguls” type or is Apres ski more your thing?
Your doberman is definitely the cutest I’ve ever seen, now I’m really looking forward to getting mine.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
This is definitely a good way to continue the conversation and lead into finding out new details about your match. Also, if you want a response, ask a question rather than leaving a statement.
Love your traveling pictures, tell me if you could be anywhere in the world right now where would you be?
You have such great sports pictures, which one do you really believe you could go professional in?
6. If someone isn’t interested, leave them alone
We don’t have time to continue messaging someone who doesn’t message back. If they don’t respond then leave it alone there's a possibility that they aren’t on the app or give some other options that don’t include not being interested in the person. Don’t take it to heart.
7. Meet up (virtual or in person if you’re both comfortable with that) Virtual meetups can be a fun, safe way to explore if you are interested in someone. Additionally, quarantine restrictions are loosening up and there are more possibilities for people to actually meet in person. If the conversation has been going well and things align, then meet up (in any form) and see if the conversation still flows when there is no time to make up a response. You may be asking how you know if it's the right time to meet and there are multiple little signs that can prove that the conversations are going well enough.
You have a shared passion
You’re able to talk about anything - whether it be serious future things, funny happenings of the day or things that may frustrate you a little
You’re in similar phases of life - aka you want the same things from a relationship
You feel like you’ve known them for longer
When it comes to dating, even online, there is no real timeline for when you have to take next steps in your relationship (you may fall in love at first match) but it's nice to have some guidance. Hayley Quinn, dating expert for Match.com says this in an article by The Hour, “One to two weeks is the optimum amount of time,... as it gives you time to get to know them, but not too much time that you overthink or the spark fizzles” (The Hour). But in the time of COVID this first meetup at the two week mark will probably be through video chat. This may seem like a downer because of all the issues that can come about (i.e. WiFi, bad lighting) but it also allows for conversation without distractions like alcohol or background music.
A video chat conversation will lead to either of you asking about meeting in person and this is where you both talk about your expectations for safety. It is up to you both to safely meet whether that means getting tested before meeting or engaging in a socially distanced date.
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The first in-person meeting is not meant to be an all-or-nothing situation. So use it, simply, as a way to better understand everything you have learned about your match. See if you have the same connection with your match when there is no wait time or controlled situation. In person, you will be able to ask the questions again and see if your wants for the relationship truly align. Their reactions to you and your reaction to them when it comes to their aura/energy, personality, looks will be a tell of whether the relationship should continue to the next date. If you both decide to continue then planning another date within a week's time is recommended and move away from the app if you haven’t already. Make sure communication occurs at least everyday, treat this relationship the same as you would if the pandemic wasn’t a thing. From here, it's up to you if you want to hop back on that dating app or continue with your match.
Finally, don't forget to have fun! Dating is all about getting to know people. During this pandemic fun and socialization is definitely what we all need. The purpose of dating during quarantine is to have some form of normalcy as this will make us feel as though we’re not just stuck in the house. You don’t have to find “the one” or think about marriage while online dating but make it enjoyable for yourself. If anything, you will have met a bunch of new and interesting people and you never know what can happen in the near future. Remember the goal is to find a match with similar wants and, if you want, to build a relationship that will extend past the quarantine period.
Lastly, follow the RULE OF 3. As long as there are not huge red flags, give someone at least three meet ups/dates before deciding if you want to proceed or not. Instant connections are not always the best connections, and first dates are awkward, so don’t always wait or look for that spark! Connections can build over time. Relationships that begin too fast often end too fast. On the opposite end of the spectrum, don’t do more than 3 months of time invested in a person before you have “the talk” about which direction this is going and being on the same page. By the 3 month mark, clearly have defined if this is a just for fun thing, or is it is time to stop dating other people.
Have fun dating!
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https://www1.racgp.org.au/ajgp/2020/december/psychological-consequences-of-social-isolation-and
https://www.today.com/tmrw/how-pandemic-has-changed-dating-better-t187730
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14904/10-basic-rules-for-online-dating.html
https://www.elitedaily.com/p/18-messages-to-ask-a-dating-app-match-what-theyre-looking-for-29622848
https://healthyframework.com/dating/beginners/write-dating-profile/
https://www.catholicsingles.com/blog/calm-nerves/
https://www.bustle.com/wellness/funny-dating-app-conversation-starters
https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-tell-if-youll-have-chemistry-with-online-match-irl-9660794
https://www.thehour.com/news/article/How-long-should-you-wait-to-meet-a-dating-app-15081808.php