Because Typical Relationships are BORING!
As many couples can attest to, relationships are wonderful but complicated endeavors. They involve compromises, vulnerability and growth. Of course, each person in a partnership brings unique qualities, struggles and priorities to their relationship. Dating someone with ADHD or who is on the Autism spectrum is no different. Their individual tendencies, preferences, and communication styles impact the inner-workings and rhythm of their relationships. As a partner of one of these individuals, there are many techniques that can be done to uphold the health of your relationship. It is also important to acknowledge that neurodiversity is a factor when it comes to the specific communication patterns between you and your partner. Neurodiversity generally describes “those who think, behave, and learn differently to what is considered typical in society” (Abbott). It indicates a different way of processing the world around us. Those with ADHD and on the Autism Spectrum are typically considered neurodivergent. This is important to acknowledge as a partner of one of these individuals, especially if you are a neurotypical person, because the way you interpret and understand a situation or interaction may be different than the way your partner will.
Partners on the Autism Spectrum
The first thing to know if your partner is on the Autism Spectrum is that people with autism experience all the same feelings as people without autism. Some studies actually show that individuals with autism may even feel more intensely and deeply than neurotypical individuals in certain situations (“Dating”). However, partners of people with autism may read their behaviors as apathetic or blunt. This incongruity occurs because people with autism sometimes have difficulty reading social cues and body language, managing their sensory needs, and expressing their emotions (“Dating”). The differences in expressing emotions can mean that partners struggle to understand and care for each other.
In order to counteract these misunderstandings, clear communication and patience are essential! If your partner has autism, it is key that you explain your intentions, body language, and feelings in very direct ways. You should not assume that your partner knows exactly what you are feeling if you do not tell them precisely. Avoid making neurotypical assumptions about the thoughts and feelings of your partner (Oswald). Navigating your social cues often leaves your partner confused and having to guess what you need. A great way to avoid this is to communicate your needs before this guessing game even happens. On top of this, if your partner engages in some behavior that you feel is hurtful or inappropriate, passiveness likely won’t fix the problem. Instead, patiently and kindly communicate with your partner about why you feel hurt. Finally, avoid overgeneralizing all people on the autism spectrum and expecting them to operate the same exact way. All people are different! We all hold varying quirks, likes and dislikes. Take the time to get to know your partner specifically. Open conversation, while possibly awkward at first, will take you very far in your partnership. Just as you should share what works for you, listen intentionally to understand what your partner needs to feel supported. The candidness of conversation will both benefit the specific needs of your partner, and leave less room for games and confusion.
Partners with ADHD
Around 4% of US adults live with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Raypole). With this being said, the severity of the condition may vary greatly, and it often goes undiagnosed. If your partner has ADHD, you may not realize the way it impacts their behaviors and moods. In reality ADHD can greatly impact an individual’s day to day life, especially in regards to their motivation and emotional states. Common characteristics of ADHD include, but are not limited to, difficulty concentrating, impulsive behavior and mood swings, absentmindedness and forgetfulness, and difficulty completing tasks on time (Raypole). These qualities can bring up some conflict in relationships, and it is important that they are acknowledged and addressed in order to reach mutual understanding between partners.
The first key to being in a relationship with someone with ADHD is to avoid criticizing and parenting (Raypole). It is not your job to manage the responsibilities of your partner. Even if you are trying to help, this tendency can hurt your relationship in the long run. Micromanaging your partner can create an unhealthy power dynamic and even lead to resentment, on both sides of your partnership. You may feel frustrated in picking up extra tasks and being responsible for your partner, and your partner might feel like you don’t think they are capable of being autonomous. Even if it is not your intention, your constant support may come off as criticism. Criticism is never productive, especially in this case. Remember you are not a coach, you are a teammate!
Secondly, if your partner has ADHD, patience and empathy are fundamental to a healthy relationship. Try to remember, your partner did not choose to have ADHD (Raypole). Their actions are not meant to intentionally frustrate you. Try speaking with your partner about how you are feeling and listen when they explain their experiences. The more empathy you can hold for your partner, the better your relationship will be. Again, communication is key when it comes to fostering healthy partnerships. When you talk with your partner, the intention should be mutual understanding, not reprimanding. It is natural to occasionally get frustrated with your partner. Try not to make your emotions your partner’s responsibility. If you continuously get mad at your partner without productive solutions and options for growth, it may make your partner feel like it is a losing battle. Instead, communicate patiently when you can, and take a breather when you cannot. It is important to have a healthy support network in which you can process your emotions, without guilt tripping your partner.
Tips for Neurodiverse Partners:
If you are in a relationship with a neurotypical partner as a neurodiverse individual, there are a couple of tips you can follow to help support the health of your dynamic.
It can be useful to share the nature of your neurodiversity with your partner. To your comfort level, communicate the subtleties of your unique experiences in new relationships.
By opening the conversation with honesty about your perspectives and tendencies, it will encourage your partner to do the same.
It is important to understand that you hold differing perspectives and methods to understand the world. This is especially key when it comes to communication styles and the sharing of emotions.
An open conversation regarding needs and expectations can go a long way in mutual understanding.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, all relationships are unique and special in their own way. Take the time to foster yours with care and compassion. If you communicate with your partner, and genuinely work to share your needs and learn theirs, you are on the path to a healthy relationship!
Resources:
Abbott, Leigh. “Neurodiversity & Neurodivergent: What Do They Mean and How Do They Impact Me as a PGR?” UofG PGR Blog, UofG PGR Blog, 31 Mar. 2021, https://uofgpgrblog.com/pgrblog/2021/3/24/neurodiversity.
“Dating Someone on the Autism Spectrum: Adult Autism Center.” Adult Autism Center of Lifetime Learning, 24 Mar. 2022, https://adultautismcenter.org/blog/how-to-date-someone-on-the-spectrum/.
Oswald, Dr. Tasha. “Dating on the Autism Spectrum: Neurotypical Partners Open Doors Therapy.” Tasha Oswald, 7 Sept. 2020, https://opendoorstherapy.com/dating-on-the-autism-spectrum-notes-for-neurotypical-partners/.
Raypole, Crystal. “Dating Someone with ADHD? 10 Ways to Be Supportive.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 7 Apr. 2021, https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/dating-someone-with-adhd#take-care-of-yourself