Issues with Communication? Askers vs. Guessers
Are You an Asker or a Guesser?
Let’s start with a few questions…
Do you feel comfortable asking friends/family for things?
Do you feel comfortable asking for something even if the answer might be no?
Do you feel like it is okay to make requests at work?
Do you believe that there is no harm in simply asking?
If you answered mostly yes to the above questions you are most likely an “Asker”; if you answered mostly no you are most likely a “Guesser”. Both ways of being are valid in it of themselves, but when you’re met with the opposing type conflicts may arise.
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Ask culture is centered around the idea that asking for anything is socially acceptable and encouraged—even if the answer might be no. There is simply little to no instances in which it’s inappropriate to ask for favors, a raise at work, and so on. You aren’t worried about how you might come across and you are able to say no to any request asked of you. You believe that there is no harm in simply asking, so you just do it.
Guess culture on the other hand believes that there is harm in asking…if you’re asking at the wrong time. The major driving factor is the appropriateness of the request; if a request is inappropriate and denied you most likely believe that it was rude to ask in the first place. You want to be sure that you would get a yes before you ask. You might even subtly hint at what you need in hopes that they would offer, in which you either accept or deny depending on if you feel it was genuine, and acceptable to do so. You also feel like once you are asked a request you cannot say no as it might come across as impolite and you feel like the asker is expecting you to comply.
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Many factors can play a role in the way in which you approach asking for requests. One of the main drivers is your family. Were you raised in a house where you were prompted and told to ask for anything you might need, or were you told to be more subtle for the sake of politeness? Your parents model social competence. The way you were raised shapes how you view and approach social situations. Culture also plays a role. Those from more collectivist, community-centered, cultures (such as China or Japan) tend to align more with guesser culture whereas those from more individualistic cultures (such as America or Russia) tend to align more with ask culture. There might also be a gender component. Women tend to be more socially conscious and relationship-oriented so they might use the more subtle guesser approach when making requests. Men are socialized to be more assertive, independent, and dominant so they might use the asking approach more. In the end it all comes down to the individual and there’s no right or wrong way to be!
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When you’re met with the opposite culture conflict may arise. Here are some examples:
Friends/Family:
You’ve had a long day and you’re finally getting to relax for a bit. A friend invites you to come to dinner with them by saying, “Hey we should go to dinner tonight! There’s this amazing place I’ve been wanting to try”. You don’t really want to go to dinner. An Asker would most likely say no and maybe see if they’d like to reschedule for tomorrow. A Guesser might feel obligated to say yes because the friend mentioned that they already have a place in mind and don’t want to appear rude or unfriendly by saying no. If the Guesser does say no they might reschedule by asking when their friend is free rather than just suggesting a different day—they don’t want their friend to say no to the suggested day so to avoid a no they ask a more open-ended question.
Work:
Your boss might ask if you would take on an extra project or move a deadline. An Asker would respond by saying either yes or no depending on if they’d be able to handle it and complete all that’s required. A Guesser probably wouldn’t say no, they would assume that they have no choice but to comply. It is possible that your boss was telling you to do something in an indirect way and expecting you to say yes (guess culture) but it’s also possible they don’t expect you to say yes and saw no harm in simply asking (ask culture). Regardless of which culture you align more with, there is a chance for miscommunication.
Significant Other:
Your significant other asks if it’s okay for them to go see some friends on your weekly date night instead of you. A Guesser might interpret this as them already planning to see their friends and expecting you to agree. They might feel that it was inappropriate to ask such a thing since you plan to go on a date that day every week. The Guesser might feel pressure to say yes simply because you asked when they’d rather have a date night. The Asker might see this as a plan that’s more up in the air than concrete. They might ask if they could see them another day, or why it has to be on date night, or if their date night will be rescheduled for a different day that week. If your significant other is a Guesser and asked that request because they felt it was okay—maybe they don’t see their friends much or you already had a date that week—they might feel shut down or hurt if you said no because they thought it through and expected you to say yes.
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In each kind of relationship you have in your life there is potential for conflicts and miscommunication related to the conflicting cultures of asking for favors or requests. Building an awareness of your own style will help you check yourself before acting on assumptions. Guessers could ask for more clarification on the importance of the request and why it was asked before judging whether or not it was appropriate. Askers could try and analyze contextual cues before asking and be more aware that even if they know the other person could say no, the other person might feel pressured to say yes. Askers could even verbalize that there is no pressure to say yes and they’re just simply asking. Both types can encourage each other and build a stronger understanding of the other’s communication style by being more mindful. Guessers can help Askers be more conscientious and thoughtful about their communication. Askers can help Guessers be more direct, assertive, and transparent about their feelings and needs. Whichever way you are, even if you do a little of both, there is potential to strengthen connections and understanding of others.
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https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/vs3kzjLhbdKsndnBy/ask-and-guess
https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421
https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser