Don't Play The Blame Game!
About Self-Blame
So, something didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to and you feel like you are to blame…
It is very easy to slip into the habit of feeling responsible for everything and everyone around us, because we would rather feel like we have control over the situation than admit our own insecurities, weaknesses, and limitations. Doing so, though, only sends us into an extremely negative thought pattern, and influences the way we see ourselves and the way we interact with others. It is important to recognize these tendencies and break from them in order to have a better sense of self and to stop blaming ourselves for factors that are out of our control.
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As highly rational and complex beings, humans like to feel like we are in control of our lives. In reality, though, the majority of our lives exist outside of our control. Self-blame is a control mechanism built into our brains to fulfill the need to feel safe. Instead of recognizing our physical and emotional limitations, we take on the responsibility, damaging our self-worth. As if feeling inadequate isn’t bad enough, we don’t want to sit with these insecurities, or feel our pain, so our ego judges the feelings as something wrong with us in order to own the feelings. Doing this disconnects us from reality and distorts our idea of our place in this world. As we try and gain control back, we attempt to limit any chance of a negative outcome for ourselves and those around us. In doing this, we destroy any trust we have in ourselves and others and enter into a vicious cycle of despair and failing to reach the unrealistic expectations we set.
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Abuse, especially in childhood, predisposes people to fall into schemas of self-blame. This abuse can be anything from lack of attention to physical or sexual abuse. In these scenarios, the child is often dependent on those who hurt them and are more inclined to feel the sense that if something is wrong, that they are at least partially to blame. If these experiences and emotions go unaddressed, they manifest themselves in emotional and behavioral ways all the way into adulthood and make us much more likely to feel responsible for things that are out of our control.
Societal and self-constructed standards also contribute to self-blame, as they are often too high for most of us to achieve. We face pressure and judgement every day, from the world, ourselves, and those around us. Internalizing these pressures and identifying them as absolute truths causes shame and self-blame to become our go-to control mechanisms. -
1. Distinguish between responsibility and self-blame
Being able to see how our actions influence outcomes is an important part of growing and learning and is very different than self-blame. It takes a strong-willed person to admit that they’ve made a mistake, and it needs to happen in order to clear your conscience. Analyze all the factors that contributed to the outcome and work on attributing those factors to things out of your control, while recognizing mistakes that were in your control and how you can better yourself because of those.
2. Don’t see yourself as defined by the small character flaws
You are a complex person with three dimensions and a multitude of characteristics, some good and some that you can improve. Don’t reduce yourself to a cardboard cutout by only believing that you are comprised of a few flaws.
3. Examine how you view others
The more we judge others the more we are likely going to judge ourselves as well, and vice versa. Look for the good in others and do the same for yourself. It is also important to challenge the viewpoint that a person’s character is set in stone. Recognizing that other people are capable of change helps us realize that we are too and can help us recover from rejection and other setbacks that would otherwise send us spiraling into self-blame.
4. Develop self-compassion
We can learn to see ourselves in a non-judgmental light in order to best analyze our actions and weaknesses. Be aware of your feelings without being overwhelmed by them, don’t single yourself out, and see the way that you experience things as no different than the way other people do; place yourself on a spectrum of these responses. Be confirming of the positive aspects of your personality as well, giving enough credit to your individual strengths.
Nobody else can release the clench of self-blame but us. It is very difficult to do so, as it defeats all of our attempts to better ourselves, but if we refuse to judge ourselves into improvement and instead practice compassion, we can break the cycle that reeks so much havoc on our psychological processes. -
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2018/07/abuse-neglect-blame/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/enlightened-living/201304/self-blame-the-ultimate-emotional-abuse
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201801/tackling-self-blame-and-self-criticism-5-strategies-try
https://www.lifehack.org/291547/how-stop-self-blaming-and-start-forgiving-yourself
https://torch.io/blog/release-from-self-blame/